humor pieces

You can make out the Elbridge Gerry if you squint hard enough.

It’s Time to Sign the Declaration of Independence, and I, Elbridge Gerry, Will Have the Biggest Signature of All

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A piece for McSweeney’s celebrating a forgotten moment in our nation’s founding.

Oh, this is going to be so sweet. My name might even become the synonym for one’s signature. “Just put your Elbridge Gerry right here,” people will say. Or “Hey, can I get your Elbridge Gerry on this?” Heck, they’ll name buildings after me — maybe even the tallest building in Boston! Just imagine: the Elbridge Gerry Tower, five stories high. Almost as tall as the Elbridge Gerry on the Declaration itself!

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I Did Not See This Movie

The Gulliver’s Travels Trailer: A Novelization, by Jonathan Swift

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I was delighted to find much of my culture alien to these creatures: they knew nothing of Yoda, nor the Millennium Falcon, nor even Manhattan, though they were quick, once given proper instruction in the requisite technology and stagecraft, to adopt the practice of rocking out. What’s more, I quickly assumed the tutelage of a lovesick Lilliputian named Segel, who had felt the inexorable pull of the princess’s vajajay; and despite my prior deficiencies in the intricacies of love (as my investigative assignment was still incomplete, I regretfully had yet to bang Amanda Peet), I advised the poor misfit on the most suitable methods of courtship.

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© Zack Mast 2020